The other day, a kind, well-meaning person made a remark to me that has stuck in my mind since. The receptionist, who we see regularly, complimented me on how I “always keep my kids entertained” while we are waiting. In the moment, I had a hard time deciding how to respond. You see, I don’t entertain my kids.
Kids and the Distraction-Obsessed Culture
Also this week, my kids and I had to make a trip to an eye doctor. While we were there, two elementary and preschool-aged siblings entered the waiting room… with iPads hanging from their necks in decorative plastic cases.
No, I’m not exaggerating. The screens were literally hanging from their necks. It was as if 10 or 15 minutes of time spent in the waiting room without some form of screen-distraction would be Too. Much. To. Handle. The screens had literally become part of these children’s bodies, like something out of an all-too-real dystopian novel.
A final incident at the eye doctor topped off these telling recent experiences. When it was our turn, an assistant escorted us to one of their specially-designed pediatric exam rooms with child-sized chairs and the like.
Now, I appreciate this to a certain degree. As a mom, I often seek out pediatric-specializing medical providers for my children. Things just tend to work out better and be less intimidating for my kids that way. Nonetheless, this particular assistant quickly flipped on a Disney movie on the screen installed in the room before leaving us to wait for the provider, without asking my permission or whether it would be necessary, and left the room before I could bat an eyelash.
I was stunned at the many layers of assumption that were made in that fleeting, silent interaction. No, she assumed, my kids wouldn’t be capable of waiting without some form of entertainment. Moreover, she assumed that I would be fine with the kids watching the movie, never considering that we might have family rules around when and how often we watch movies. She also assumed that the movie would not be too scary for my relatively young kids.
If you ask me, that it a lot of assumptions. But this office obviously works based on cultural norms. The current cultural norm is for everyone, children and adults alike, to be completely, inescapably and obliviously addicted to screens and any other form of instant distraction and entertainment.
I Choose Not to Entertain My Kids
There is a simple but significant reason that my children can tolerate waiting quietly for a few minutes in a physician’s office “with nothing to do,” and even manage to sit relatively still and quietly during that time. I refuse to constantly entertain them at home.
Now, don’t get me wrong. Screens, movies and the like can have their place and can be positive in some circumstances. Films are a form of art and storytelling, and we do enjoy them on occasion in a relational context as a family. I also allow my children to jointly choose one kids’ movie to watch over the weekend.
Other than that, however, if we have free time, time in the car, or time spent waiting for something, I can guarantee you it will not be spent staring at a screen. My kids’ free time is also not dictated by any other form of adult-guided activity. When we are at home, I simply – and firmly – remind them that as kids, one of their most important jobs and responsibilities in our home and family is to play. Then, I send them on their way. If we are in the car or waiting somewhere, we practice skills like engaging each other in conversation. Sometimes, we also just practice being quiet.
Benefits of Independent Play and Margin
I’ve already demonstrated one of the benefits of expecting kids to entertain themselves, and behave appropriately in different contexts. If we give them a chance, and provide real-life practice, most children are fully capable of all of this. Those of us who grew up before the advent of handheld screens were capable of it too, as were our parents and grandparents!
I also firmly believe that things like independent free play, family conversation, and sitting quietly for a few minutes are all crucial, formative practices in the healthy development of children. I’m truth, these things are important for everyone, children and adults alike.
Free play helps children learn and grow. When they play, they often imitate what they see the adults around them doing, or things they’ve read about or learned about in school. This is an essential part of their brain development – even for elementary aged kids and older. Free play, and time spent outside of the immediate hovering, controlling eye of an adult, also provides children space to develop skills related to logical reasoning, poblem solving, and relational skills.
Free play and quiet times also foster imagination. I often wonder what new inventions and innovations the coming generations will never create because they never had a moment to daydream or simply allow their minds to process input already received. If we allow ourselves to constantly be inundated with entertainment or other forms of input or distraction, we literally leave no time or brain space for anything else. We aren’t leaving room to even hear our own thoughts.
Using Discernment as Parents
I will close here with a thought derived from a recent conversation with my husband. He brought up the fact that in one way, the internet, social media, and handheld screens are not necessarily “new under the sun” – they’re the latest in a series of new technologies that have drastically changed the world at different times in history. It is perhaps little thought of or talked about, but there were cultural and individual struggles that took place after, for example, the printing press was invented in Europe, and similarly after automobiles became commonplace in the U.S.
It is still up for debate in my mind whether certain more recent inventions, like social media, should be thrown out all together as we learn more and more about their negative effects. Looking more broadly, however, I think a lesson can learned from history on these kinds of questions. Every new technology, and every new cultural era requires the development of a new set of standards that we can use to safely and wisely interact with it. This process can be complicated by the reality that it can time – sometimes years – to collectively discern the nature and impacts of new things, new ideas and new eras.
As parents, I think it is crucial that we use discernment in all things, particularly as we decide what to allow our children to be exposed to and shaped by. Sometimes, new things – like handheld screens – can slide into our homes and into our sense of normalcy almost without us noticing it. The danger comes when these things enter into our habits without a critical evaluation.
We can’t always predict the pitfalls of new things. I never dreamed of the ways that social media would drastically change our culture for the worse when I curiously logged on to Facebook for the first time back in 2008. But, we can still approach news things – or really any of the things that play a significant role in our lives and in our homes – with a healthy sense of wariness and some good critical evaluation, both in the beginning and down the road.
We can be willing to put aside certain personal desires or conveniences – like defaulting to regularly putting the kids in front of a screen just so I can get “xyz” done – for the sake of considering the known and possible long term impacts. We can implement rules within our family that wisely moderate our exposure to, and/or put guardrails around new things. We can also be willing to be countercultural and do things according to our convictions, rather than doing this or that thoughtlessly just to “keep up with the Joneses” or because “everyone else is doing it.” Though sometimes difficult, these practices can help us to keep our families safe, healthy, and thriving.
